There is something about packing up my computer to ship home that makes me feel very sad. It makes moving back to Sacramento very real. Dismantling this St Heliers operation is not nearly as complicated as leaving Iraq, nonetheless, it has its challenges. Especially since my heart's desire is to return to NZ. Coupled with the ridiculous cost of "excess" baggage (that is any bag beyond 1) and I am putting more in storage at the Clare's than I am taking home. And I have four very full shopping bags of stuff to give to the hospice shop. The practical aspect of packing up and cleaning my flat and wrapping up the bits and pieces is easy compared to the emotional. I was feeling great the last couple of days: confident that I will sort out the visa thing and get a job and get back. I have been having lunch and coffee with friends and counting my blessings that I have so many friends. I also am VERY excited to see Sarah at the airport and within a day or so Tevis. Plus lots of other friends. And then when I see a dog or cat I remember that soon I will be running my hands through Radar and Chaplin's furry coats.
I have successfully pushed out of my mind complicating factors such as where I will live and work when I get to Sacramento. Afterall, I can surf on Sarah's couch and visit some friends while the holidays are on. Truly for the first time I am going forward without any real plan or idea of a plan. I will apply for a work-visa based on the skills shortage as soon as I get my FBI background check, and look for work in Sacramento and New Zealand. Most of what happens after that depends on what happens. Part of me is waiting expectantly and hoping for the best. Part of my is extremely skeptical and worried. Part of me is glad that I am able to live so freely and lightly.
Security is not a delusion up to a point. Certainly you have more options and less threats to your well-being if you have an income, health care, savings and an emergency preparedness kit. There is also evidence everyday that the things we think are secure are far from it: like the ground beneath our feet. http://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/article.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=10775144.
That is why today when I feel emotionally very fragile... I will remind myself over and over that I will trust in the Lord. And I will stay alert.